Self esteem: it's something you need to have a lot of before you succeed and it's something that no one can give you.
The first step towards high self-esteem is knowing where your current level of self esteem is. Most people don't know and it can't be measured just by looking at a person. So how do you gauge where you are at?
For the most part, if you truly believe you can do anything you want and you don't let criticism or other people's opinions bother you, I would say you have a high level of self esteem. If you still get shaken when other people criticize you, click here to learn how you can stay calm in the face of criticism.
I never thought of myself as having low self esteem but from my research and experience, I've come to recognize that there are times when I show warning signs of low self esteem. Before I tell you what you can do when you see these warning signs, let me share with you the 7 warning signs of low self esteem:
Can't Handle Praise
People who have low self esteem are uncomfortable and have trouble accepting praise. They usually deflect it or put themselves down. Being Chinese, I can understand that some of this may be cultural but when you make it awkward for someone to praise you, they are going to stop praising you. The easiest way to graciously accept praise is by saying "Thank you".
Condescending and/or Puts People Down
I used to trash talk a lot when I play basketball. Although most of it is fun and games, a part of it was making myself look good by making others look bad. The same applies for a belligerent boss or a rude customer. Anytime someone looks down on or tries to put down another person (even if they are just "joking"), they are revealing their own insecurities. People with high self esteem respect everyone no matter their background, situation or condition. They tend to make fun of themselves as opposed to other people.
Controlling vs. Empowering
When you try to control someone instead of empowering them, it shows that you feel threatened. Jealous partners who are manipulative and don't allow their significant others to talk to the opposite sex or to go out and enjoy themselves act this way due to low self esteem. It stems from the fear of losing that person because they don't feel they are good enough. Those with high self esteem are always looking to give power to other people knowing that they themselves are in full control of their own life.
Can't Say "No"
I had a big problem with this one. I found it hard to say no when someone would ask me to do something, go somewhere or join some team. It would be ok if it was something I enjoyed doing, but sometimes I would agree to things that I knew I wouldn't enjoy. I believe some of it comes from being nice and wanting to be helpful but a big part of it comes from wanting to please people. I wanted people to like me because I was basing my self-worth on what others thought about me and this is a sure sign of low self esteem. If you want to build your self esteem, learn to say "no" when you really want to say "no".
Being Indecisive
When you can't decide, there are usually a few reasons: You don't want to take responsibility for making the wrong decision, you believe that what you want is not as important as what someone else wants and/or you really don't know what to do. Apart from not knowing what to do, the other reasons are warning signs of low self esteem. Anytime you feel that you are not as important as someone else or you don't deserve something, you are lowering your esteem. People with high self esteem are decisive because they understand that their opinion is worth just as much as anyone else's even if they are with high-profile people like the President of the United States.
Blames Others
The inability to accept responsibility is a telltale sign of low self-esteem. This shows up when someone is indecisive and when they blame other people. People blame others because they believe what you do is who you are which means when you make a mistake, you somehow diminish yourself. They don't realize by blaming others, they have made themselves powerless by becoming a victim of circumstance.
How many times have you heard or maybe even said:
"I was late because of stupid train delays.",
"I didn't get promoted because I don't schmooze with my managers." or
"I can't find a job because of the economy."
Although these may be valid reasons, people with strong self-esteem do not focus on the external factor that may have caused the undesired result but rather spend their energy thinking of ways to achieve the outcome that they want. They don't put themselves down for making a mistake, they just learn from the experience and move on.
Overly Apologetic
How do you tell if a presenter/speaker is not confident?
The first words they say is "I'm sorry." even though they haven't done anything to be sorry for. They are apologizing for being there because perhaps they believe someone better should be in their place. If you ever catch yourself apologizing for no good reason, be aware that something or someone is causing you to lower your self-esteem.
Apologies are important but should be reserved for the occasions when you make a mistake. In all other cases, don't apologize.
So what do you do if you are showing warning signs of low self esteem?
Recognize that:
Self esteem is just a belief. It takes as much effort to believe you have low self esteem as it does to believe you have high self esteem. All you need to do when experiencing low self esteem is to change your belief about yourself. Remember that no one can give or take away your self esteem.
"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself." -Thich Nhat Hanh
How do you spot low self esteem?
Hi Laura,
I am glad you enjoyed this article!
Great write up Rob.
I think this is a good thing you’re doing.
Thanks Nelson for the encouraging words.
After I finished reading your article, with pleasure I might add, and then saw your picture, I immediately thought to myself, “Wow, that guys is doing what he’s meant to be doing, & that’s quite amazing thing that he is doing at that!”.
Thanks for the thought provoking read.
Hi Nicole,
Thank you for such kind words. I am finding it very rewarding to pursue my passion and I am happy that you enjoyed the article. I would be interested to hear about any successes and challenges that you might be facing while you are striving for your dreams as well.
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Consider the idea that self esteem IS as self-esteem DOES. Here, a strong, well-constructed self-concept can be bolstered through engaging in diverse behavioral activity in a variety of areas (i.e. more eggs in more baskets). In this model, strengthening self-esteem occurs indirectly — through behavioral activities that give rise to a wider range of beneficial knowledge and expertise. Thus, improved positive self esteem is the product of a “wider” self-concept, defined by “widening” one’s behavioral repertoire.
Thanks for your comment!
Excellent point. To add to the idea of a wider behavioral repertoire,a broader self-concept also leads to becoming more resilient when something goes wrong in one area of life. For example, workaholics who are laid-off often take a big hit in their self-esteem because that’s what they are known for. Those who have a much broader self-concept, can rely on other aspects of their lives to keep a positive self image.
Thank you Robert for such and en-lighting article, after reading the same , i now realize that my son who would be attending the uni from next year, may be having low self esteem. He doesn’t likes to be praised even wining after winning three gold medals in regional English test , which is first time for any one to achieve in the history of the school.
He does not even want t to face people or take up doing task for for the fear of failing and have difficulties in simplest decision making. He is full of negativity about his capabilities and i fear how will he be able to to stand up to the challenges of the life. MY son desperately needs to be assisted out of his negativeness . pls i need your help .
Hi Gyan,
Thank you for reading my article and for your comment. It must be scary for you as a parent to see these warning signs but it is something that can be turned around if your son realizes it and wants to change. If he doesn’t recognize it or if he doesn’t see the benefits of it, it’ll be tough for you to be able to influence him.
As a parent, praise his efforts and not his intelligence. When you label someone as “smart”, they tend to do easy things because they don’t want to fail and lose that identity. Help him realize failure is not only ok but a prerequisite to real success. A great way is to have him read the life of people he admires. Also encourage in him the feeling of self empowerment.
It is important to make the distinction between high self esteem and being vain. Many people adopt actions of low self esteem as a way to not be perceived as a braggart. The problem with that is your actions influence the way you think and acting like someone with low self esteem can actually lower your esteem.
I hope this helps.
This is a very great post Robert! Thank you for sharing it. It is very enlightening and makes me rethink of how I’ve been behaving lately (not that I’ve been misbehaving). It has also made me think about a friend of mine who is used to joke about a friend that would make us all laugh. So after reading this post, I;m thinking who has the lower self-esteem – the joker? or the one who’s being laughed at?
Thanks Shariza for your kind words. The one making the jokes shows their low self-esteem but putting others down. The one being laughed cannot control people from making fun of him/her and has low self-esteem only if he/she takes the joke seriously and allow it to lower his/her self worth. A person with strong self-esteem knows that what others say really don’t mean much and still act confidently despite it.
Hi Robert, I work for multinational service delivery firm as the IT guy. When I first got there I was very nice and I had this huge self-esteem I carried around with me. After a while some of my colleagues(females) will always say something in their language that I do not understand and looking at me and laugh. I always avoid them and don`t ask why or what they are saying and why they are laughing because it is clear that they are saying something about. I will feel a little down as i really wish I knew what they were saying so as to get back at them. Then i thought to myself, I am a man and men do not engage in open confrontation with a lady and moreso at a corporate environment. Please tell me what to do in this type of situation.
Khumalo, thank you for sharing your experience. When you allow others to have such an effect on you, you’re giving them your power. Just because someone laughs at you or thinks a certain way about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Only you can determine your self-worth. I encourage you to separate fact from opinion. Your females colleague looks at you and laughs – that’s a fact. They are making fun of you – that’s your opinion. Your reaction is usually to your opinion of the situation which is in your control.
Short answer: stop worrying about what others think because it’s out of your control. Take comfort to know that other people’s opinions have no impact on your self-esteem unless you allow it.
Hi Robert,
Thank you for the response. Actually you said it right. My approach now is to get closer and natural with them. I have realized that getting closer and doing my work and not being their friend but a colleague is really making them on edge.
I also realized that, they are the ones with low self-esteem not me. I show them an innocent face and act according to as work demands; like sorting IT related queries and that is it.
Thank you Robert
My pleasure Khumalo – best of luck to you.
I thought this was quite interesting.
I feel that I have low self-esteem because my parents always praised me too much when I was a kid (I was always “the smartest” and “the prettiest”) and I felt like I was never allowed to have flaws, to fail at things, and that I couldn’t possibly live up to the standards they were setting for me. What do you think? Have you heard of similar cases?
Hi M,
That situation is quite common as parents try to show their kids their unconditional love by praising them all the time. Praise is good but it must be done the right way. There was a study done about this very topic where it showed that kids who were praised to be smart took the easy way out more often because they didn’t want to disappoint their parents by doing something challenging where they may possibly fail. In contrast, children who are praised for their effort will continue to take on more challenging tasks because they are more confident about their efforts.
Of course, your parents probably didn’t know about this study and they acted in what they thought was the best thing to do at the time. The important thing for you is to know that your self esteem is in your hands now and that you can have high self-esteem if you choose to. Never allow our past to dictate your future.
Great comment and insight M. Let me know if you have my questions
Being indecisive is what is bothering me lately and I was glad to stumble upon this article. After digging into the causes for the same, I came up with the possibility that there could be a self esteem issue involved. After reading this , I feel I am still unclear about what i really want out of the situation. Actually, I have always been an individual who has always weighed ‘What is right’ more than ‘what I really want’. So maybe it has been pressing down on me because what I currently want out of the situation is not a ‘generally accepted’ thing. Plus I have been let down the last time I took an offbeat path. So maybe I’m just little nervous. Once bitten twice shy is quite a normal defence mechanism, isn’t it?
Could you suggest me if this is my intuition trying to warn me or is it that I am just scared to row the boat my way or is it really a self esteem issue?
Hi Anita,
If you are in a situation where “what is right” is in competition with “what I really want” then there is a good chance that your values for “what is right” has come from someone else. Growing up we adopt a lot of our values from our families, authority figures and society. We accept them without really questioning whether they are valid or not.
This might be a time to decide whether “what is right” is really what you consider to be right or what someone else has said is right. “Acceptance” depends on those around you and if you change your environment, you will change what is accepted. This makes it somewhat crazy to try to gain acceptance because it will always change independent of what you do. I have found that no matter how others view me, I am who I believe I am. The most I can do is to make myself happy.
Someone with low self-esteem usually allows others to dictate how they should feel about themselves. Those who think of themselves highly, usually will consider the opinion of others but understand that it is their own opinion that really matters.
I hope this helps.
Google…
[…]the time to study or take a look at the subject material or sites we have linked to below the[…]…
Robert,
I can certainly identify with “Being Indecisive”. I look forward to reading more posts. Thanks again…
Hi Linda,
I had many of these warning signs myself and it’s interesting how tell-tale they are.
Thanks for your comment!
Thank you for writing this!
I’m glad you enjoyed this article Suzanna. Thank you for reading.
I have such great self-esteem that I realize that all value is subjective, it’s all up to me. So I might trash talk if I think it will be fun. I don’t care if the other person feels put down or not, that’s not my objective unless I’ve decided that’s part of the fun. They can even think that doing so means I have low self-esteem. I don’t care. I have such great self-esteem that I don’t care if other people or this article think I have low self-esteem.
When I say “I was late because of stupid train delays” inside I am still perfectly aware of all the things I could’ve done differently and I quietly imagine in my head how I will do things differently so train delays won’t be a problem in the future. I just say that because logically I see no reason why the other person has to know I screwed up. It’s not because of some stupid emotional attachment I have to the person’s opinion either. I want more promotions, I want more money, I want more respect so why give that information to another person? Maybe if the person is a close friend who already knows all my faults I will tell them. Otherwise why limit my future financial opportunities?
You’re right ArchbaldHukler. No one can tell you what to do or how to feel. As long you believe in your worth, then that’s all that matters. Thanks for the comment.
Hi Robert! Thank you so much for you’re awesome article. I somehow, miraculously, stumbled upon it and it was definitely a pleasurable read. Not only that, I REALIZED so many things about myself. Unfortunately, that realization was that I MEET every one of your points. Being a person who have thought that I had higher than normal self esteem, I was in somewhat taken back. But I am very thankful for the realization. Every point you made was very valid and I realize that all these years that is probably all these things I found ‘little’ played a huge role in my personal development and self-esteem and thus how I lived my life. Now, I know what to focus on to get ahead. THANKS. :)
Sincerely,
PY.
Hi PY,
I’m glad you enjoyed this article. I have similar revelations with every new book I read or person I meet. Self-awareness is powerful. Best of luck to you.
THANKS MAN
Great post Robert!! Really interesting.
I can see a possible explanation here about self esteem.
Thank you Lamb. I’m glad you found this article helpful.
One symptom of low self-esteem, that I had was the attitude of doormat, and thats because I had a “benefit” , it took a couple of years..to realized that it was not good for me, and then I was ready to let go of such “benefit”..My self esteem went up and I decide to change the attitude. Its was not easy to let go, of what I have been living, because changes are scary, and yet necessary. The sun is always there…even in cloudy days….Thanks for giving the opportunity to express myself. Have a great life :)
Thanks Kallisti for sharing your story and your inspiring message.
Wow!!! I just stumbled on this accidentally!!! I cannot believe that I have low self-esteem! I fit every characteristic! Thank you so much, Robert. This has been a real eye opener. I’ve always been the push-over, self criticizer, perfectionist, shy, anti- social girl. After reading this, I will make gradual, but permanent changes in my life. I realize that it’s not good for me and others around me. I am the oldest of three and I do not want my younger sisters to pick up on my behavior because I know behavior is contagious. This will not be easy, but I’m willing to make the change! Thank you so much and good luck in all your endeavors and keep these articles coming.
Thank you for kind words Sandy. I’m glad you found this article helpful and it’s great that you’re doing something about it. You’re right to lead by example and feel free to reach out if you have any questions. Good luck!
Positive Affirmations are quiet simply short and powerful statements that you read aloud to your self on a daily basis, similar to positive thoughts, affirmations will slowly re-program the subconscious part of the mind and relay a new positive can do attitude to the conscious part of the mind.
Thanks for sharing Wolfgang.
[…] Week 3 – Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe how you introduce yourself, your answers to questions and the way you deal with compliments. […]
This is a real must read for everyone! Too many times do we see ourselves getting into these patterns and it just isn’t healthy.
You’re absolutely right. These patterns are harmful for everyone involved.
I had my suspicions that i may have a confidence issue, and yes to a lot of what has been explained,. I can see low self esteem now in myself.. But i can also see low self esteem in others too, sometimes thinking i may have confused rudeness with low self esteem!!
Thanks for sharing Christopher. It’s interesting how low self-esteem manifests itself and when you begin to recognize it, you might begin to have more empathy for people who you thought were just rude or displaying other warning signs of low self-esteem.
It is nice article. I enjoyed it.
Thanks Mahendra!
Upon realizing the true self, we express the natural genius and
open our minds to feel the flow of life energy as it courses through us. By experiencing
the life form in its true creative genius we connect to our body, mind and
spirit as it was meant to be. The learning from our inner experience in
meditation allows us to know who we are. In meditation, we reevaluate life and
are inspire ourselves to experience more fully our best selves.
Thanks for sharing Kathleen
Thank you, it was very helpful and eye opener Rober,
I’m glad to hear the article helped you Sara.
Hello, I was recently told by my husband that he is leaving because I caused him to have low self esteem. I know I yelled a lot, but there were things we both did wrong in our marriage. I can’t say my self esteem is too high right now. I have had a few kids and my weight is an issue for me, wasn’t so much for him. I also cannot say it is too low either. I do not take things people say to heart (outside of my home). I know myself pretty well and I have been feeling pretty helpless with my marriage falling apart, but I am also looking forward to having time to focus on myself, instead of my whole world being him (all the eggs in one basket). Fortunately for me, I do have a few very close friends who have stepped up to keep me company and give some “grief” relief by just hanging out. My husband and I argued a lot. I do make more money, took care of the bills, and was the main one taking care if the house and kids. I think my frustratiin was building up for a while. So we got to a point of shouting at each other. I never called him names or belittled him (maybe unintentionally) but he is now saying I caused him to have low self esteem. I know people argue, but I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said it was too late. Now he is going to counseling for the damage that I did. I am not, like I said, too high on my horse, but I sure am hanging on to the reigns with everything I have. He is somewhere else. Please tell me what you think.
Ang – thank you for sharing your story. Before I share my thoughts, what is it that you want as your positive outcome?
Hi there, just wanted to share an interesting case:
So me, a student of CS , had always the trouble of having low-selfesteam, starting 1st grade i had stopped communicating much with others, cause my Familie Name meant something bad in my native language.Not to mention i got bullied every now and than, and resistance ended up with nothing good. Every time i got to change school or move far away or get to do something new i felt like in heaven. But i always ended up with wrong Friend, the guy who always made fun of me , and i was desperately lying to myself ,to keep the friend(i always end up feeling more hurt than i managed to hurt someones feelings).The hassle ended in 7th grade , i started to be more confident in myself and tried to overcome my weaknesses. But as the fate wanted it, no matter how hard i tried i always ended up 3rd rate. The reason i found out just recently it starts with differentiating Right and Left, i could never understand some simplistic definitions humanity came up with, it follows with irrelevance of names,history dates…-they had no meaning in my eyes.Thanks to that i excelled at any discipline which didnt need this extra knowledge. (as u imagine this is just a glimpse,of my awesome fate xD) But the worst of my troubles came also since that 7th grade – i got myself another clingy friend ,who shared less and less of my interests, and drives me crazy sometimes. The best part he is social what u call perfect friend, who has lot stuff i lack and happy to offer me almost anything.(He has familie,gf, a lot other good friends, but im his Nr.1 Friend)
And now to the worst part which lead me to this place, the guy makes a too many of this good will offers not always to my favor, where i cant pay him back – which makes me hurt, and if i try friendly to decline or find a better compromise,less demanding, he gets mad and whole conversation gets on edge.
Is there any way to make him less clingy? I
How can i stop this Pain exchange :( ?
Thank you for sharing your story Vladimir. Have you had an honest conversation with your friend to understand why he feels hurt when you refuse his offers and sharing with him how his offers affect you?
I am working on this project, that how to raise self esteem, I met a lots people and I found their is nothing much difficulty that we do in depression, we just need to meet our friends colleagues and hangout with them, share our thoughts and try to enjoy every moment.
Thank you for sharing your tip Lara – enjoying time with people we care about and who care about us is a great way to enhance your life.
We are on an eternal search for the truth because we only believe in the lies we have stored in our mind. We are on an eternal search for justice because in the belief system we have, there is no justice. We are on an eternal search for beauty because it doesn’t matter how beautiful a person is, we don’t believe that person has beauty. We keep searching and searching, when everything is already within us. There is no truth to find. Wherever we turn our heads, all we see is the truth, but with the agreements and beliefs we have stored in our mind, we have no eyes for this truth. We don’t see the truth because we are blind. What blinds us are all those false beliefs we have in our mind. We have the need to be right and to make others wrong. We trust what we believe, and our beliefs set us up for suffering. It is as if we live in the middle of a fog that doesn’t let us see any further than our own nose. We live in a fog that is not even real – it is a dream, our personal dream of life — what we believe, all the concepts we have about what we are, all the agreements we have made with others and with ourselves, We cannot see who we truly are; we cannot see that we are not free. That is why we resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear we have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive — the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands. We have learned to live by other people’s points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody. We especially try to please the ones who love us, like parents, siblings, the priests and the teacher. Trying to be good enough for them, we create an image of perfection, but we don’t fit this image. We create this image, but this image is not real. We are never going to be perfect from this point of view. Never!
Not being perfect, we reject ourselves. And the level of self-rejection depends upon how effective the adults were in breaking our integrity. We are not good enough for ourselves because we don’t fit with our own image of perfection. We cannot forgive ourselves for not being what we wish to be, or rather what we believe we should be. We cannot forgive ourselves for not
being perfect. We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. The result is that we feel unauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this. We are so afraid that somebody else will notice that we are not what we pretend to be. We judge others according to our image of perfection as well, and naturally they fall short of our expectations. We dishonor ourselves just to please other people. We even do harm to our physical bodies just to be accepted by others. We punish ourselves endlessly for not being what we believe we should be. We become very self-abusive and nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves. The way we judge ourselves is the worst judge that ever existed. If we make a mistake in front of people, we try to deny the mistake and cover it up. But as soon as we are alone, the Judge becomes so strong, the guilt is so strong, and we feel so stupid, or so bad, or so unworthy.
[…] understand that a mistake is something that they do and not who they are. They also monitor the warning signs of low self-esteem to ensure they always keep a positive self-image of themselves. They realize that self-esteem is a […]
[…] understand that a mistake is something that they do and not who they are. They also monitor the warning signs of low self-esteem to ensure they always keep a positive self-image of themselves. They realize that self-esteem is a […]
[…] understand that a mistake is something that they do and not who they are. They also monitor the warning signs of low self-esteem to ensure they always keep a positive self-image of themselves. They realize that self-esteem is a […]
Very good! I love the quote at the end.
Thanks Late-bloomer!
We will all fine some of this apply to us. Even the most confident self assured of us have some insecurities. But it is only when we have extremely low self esteem and it becomes a problem that we need to worry about it.
[…] Week 3 – Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe how you introduce yourself, your answers to questions and the way you deal with compliments. […]