Staying conscious requires attention and commitment. It means being mentally active and constantly refreshing your outlook of the world as it relates to your purposes, goals, interests, actions, and values. It means you're willing to confront reality - pleasant and unpleasant - with the goal of improving.

Business is a platform for you to develop yourself to be fulfilled. Fulfillment comes from meaning and purpose, not pleasure. You success goes beyond material success to improving the lives of others. If you manage people, your role is to create an environment where your people can grow and develop. This will help you generate competitive advantage by attracting, developing, and retaining the right talent. In addition to meeting compensation requirements, people want to feel accepted, respected, supported, acknowledged, and challenged.

“Talented employees need great managers. The talented employee may join a company because of its charismatic leaders, its generous benefits, and its world-class training programs, but how long that employee stays and how productive he is while he is there is determined by his relationship with his immediate supervisor. Leadership transforms individual potential into collective performance ... The leader’s job is to develop and maintain a high-performing team. Her effectiveness is demonstrated by the performance of the team.”

Self-awareness allows us to study our motives and experiences.

How to earn the trust and respect of your direct reports:

• Demonstrate strong cognitive and technical competence to do the job
• Show that you can perform managerial functions: select the right people, breakdown goal into discrete tasks, assign tasks appropriately, etc.
• Exudes seven qualities of a conscious leader

Seven Qualities to be a Conscious Leader

1. Unconditional responsibility

   • Understand that even though you can't control what happens, you can control how you respond. You can affect the future through your actions. Waiting for other people or systems to change is a weak stance. This is the case even if you didn't cause the problem. "If you are the one suffering, you are the one who has the problem."
   • A proper response doesn't always lead to your desired outcome. You can control your response but not the result because there are other factors that impact the result. By seeing yourself as a contributor to the problem, you position yourself as a contributor to the solution. Be careful assuming responsibility for results because they may not be fully within your control. Be balanced between the two extremes: Victim (“I have nothing to do with my situation.”) and Superhero (“ I am the sole creator of my reality.”).
   • People take on the "victim" role to avoid blame. Language of a victim, "it was an accident”, “I didn’t mean to...”, "It/I/You should.." “You made me do it.” Example: “'Excuse me, I have to take this call,' you are really deceiving yourself and others. You do not have to take the call. You are choosing to take it, because you find it preferable to continuing the conversation."
   • Freedom is the ability to choose the response most consistent with your values. Instead of "should", use "would". Shift your language from third to first person, from outside causality toward personal accountability.
   • As a leader, remember, "Power is the prize of responsibility; accountability is its price."
   • When dealing with victims, don't feed the unproductive behavior by telling the victim that he/she has been wronged. Instead focus on the following empowering questions:
     • "What challenge did you face?
     • How did you contribute (by acting or not acting) to create this situation?
     • How did you respond to the challenge?
     • Can you think of a more effective course of action you could have taken?
     • Could you have made some reasonable preparations to reduce the risk or the impact of the situation?
     • Can you do something now to minimize or repair the damage?
     • What can you learn from this experience?"

2. Essential integrity

   • Actions speak louder than words. It's hard to be happy if you betray your values. Your actions have one of two purposes: (1) Achieve your desired result, and (2) Express your values. 
   • When your actions match your values, you feel pride. When they do not, you feel guilt. Pursue excellence while staying true to your values. Remember that success is an outcome. Maintaining your integrity is a choice and not conditional on anything. 
   • Ask yourself, “If I got that (new car, free time, office with natural light, salary increase), what would I get that is even more important to me than that (new car, free time, etc.) itself?” This helps you drill down to your values. Once you understand your higher level goals, it allows you to understand what goal to sacrifice (relinquishing a lower goal in order to pursue a higher one). Example: "Spending time with your family will not make you happy; spending time loving your family will. The way you do any activity is more important for your happiness than the activity itself."
   • See business as a way to express your creative energy as opposed to a vehicle to get material wealth.
   • "The more stress you bear, the more power you get. Adversity can be an ally, an opportunity to show greatness. True joy does not come from winning but from dignified struggle."

3. Ontological humility

   • "Acknowledgment that you do not have a special claim on reality or truth, that others have equally valid perspectives deserving respect and consideration." It's easy to fall into one way of thinking and unknowingly exclude other paths. Our perceptions are always biased by our experiences, biology, language, culture, values, beliefs, and personal factors. Everyone else's perception is likely different but equally valid. We see only what we can talk about. "We cannot see anything until we are possessed with the idea of it, and then we can hardly see anything else. HENRY DAVID THOREAU"
   • To show humility, focus on staying open as opposed to being right. Invite others to share their perspective as opposed to convincing others how right you are. 
   • It's easy for responses to challenges in the past to become the only acceptable way to respond to future challenges despite potentially being obsolete.
   • "...you recognize and validate your and the other’s mental models. When you realize how pervasive and powerful these filters are, it is obvious that calling someone an idiot because she sees things differently is, well, idiotic."
   • Mutual learning model:
     • Assumptions
       • My rationality is limited.
       • My mental model conditions my perceptions and interpretations.
       • My point of view is always partial.
     • Different people have different mental models and can see things that I do not.
     • Errors are opportunities to learn and improve. Changing your mind shows openness and courage. Be more concerned about correcting than concealing errors.
   • Take yourself less seriously - when you can laugh at yourself, it helps to shift from arrogance to humility.
   • "An opinion is toxic when it masquerades as a fact." We are constantly making judgments on facts and confusing our opinions as facts. Brutal honesty is typically just toxic opinions that end up being more “brutal” than “honest.
   • How to have an effective opinion
     • Acknowledge that it's an opinion and not a fact to make space for other viewpoints
     • Explain your reasoning and provide facts to support your points
     • States the "desirable change in the task (solving the problem), the relationship (enhancing cooperation and trust), and the well-being of all participants in the conversation."

4. Authentic communication

   • "Most difficult conversations involve disagreements about what is going on, what has led things to be the way they are, why it happened, what should happen next, and who should do what to make it happen ... in difficult conversations, people feel that their sense of identity and esteem is at risk ... When criticism meets defensiveness, it turns into contempt."
   • Be careful of falling into all-or-nothing constructs - competent vs incompetent
   • Intentions are invisible to others; We think that, “I know (because I can infer with certainty) what you intended,” and that “you cannot know (because you are taking things the wrong way) what I intended.” We are sure of how other people's behaviors impacted us but we cannot be sure of their intentions. We are also sure of our own intentions but not sure of how our actions impacts others. Take time to acknowledge and validate the impact of our actions on others before we clarify our intentions. 
   • We can't choose what we think or feel. Resist dumping or repressing. Accept that you will judge people and be unconditionally responsible (How are you contributing to this challenge?). Aim for mutual learning - listen and seek to understand where they are coming from. Describe the issue in a way that both sides feel it's true. Express your own views and feelings and acknowledge that they are your own. Stay respectful - the minute someone senses disrespect, they no longer feel safe to share. Allow room for the other person to clarify what they're hearing.
   • Don't be afraid to be challenged - counter-arguments do not weaken your own argument. Ask for permission to counter.

5. Constructive negotiation

   • Conflict is not inherently bad. Our inability to manage conflict is the issue.
   • Ineffective ways to deal with conflict:
     • Denial - acting as if nothing is wrong.
     • Avoidance - you see the conflict but doing everything to steer clear of it
     • Surrender -  you give in when you realize your desires conflict with others
     • Fight - Impose their will at any cost. Typically damages the relationship and hurts the other person.
     • Play politics - lobbies an authority figure or majority to get buy-in for what they want
     • Compromise - "each person ends up with more than what she had, but less than what she wanted."
   • Focus on wining together. Decouple your position with your identity - allows you to change your mind.
   • To diffuse conflict, remove any one of the three factors needed for conflict
     • Disagreement - find a way to build consensus where both parties can live with the decision; acknowledge each side has property rights to their own opinions; Define mutually acceptable standards and expectations
     • Scarcity - gain more resources and/or drill down to key interests to remove scarcity
     • Disputed Property Rights - clarify who has the power to decide or the decision making process
     • Step-by-step process to handle personal conflict
       • Clarify your needs and desires
       • Establish your Best Alternative to No Agreement (BATNA)
       • Clarify negotiation proces
         • "A expresses, B listens.
         • Person A presents her position while you (B) listen without interrupting.
         • B clarifies and A asks clarifying questions.
         • B summarizes A. A approves B’ s summary.
         • A and B reverse roles.
         • Dialogue - once there is mutual understanding, hold open Q&A and decide whether an agreement is necessary.
         • Find underlying interests - “Why is X important to you?”, “What would you get through X that is even more important to you than X itself?”
         • Brainstorm. Once you discover the underlying interests, you try to develop new options.
         • Negotiate and select an agreed upon outcome."
   • If someone escalates a conflict to you. Ask,
     1. “Have you and your colleague tried to resolve this problem using constructive negotiation?” (If the answer is no, say “Go and try that first.” If it is yes, ask the next question.
     2. “Have you invited your colleague to be here to jointly escalate the problem with you?” (If the answer is no, say “Go invite him first.” If yes, ask the next question.
     3. "Have you told your colleague that if he didn’t come with you, you would bring the problem to me alone?” (If the answer is no, say “Then go and tell him first.” If it’s yes, listen to the employee’s situation, or call the colleague to attend the discussion.
   • Debrief - "What can we learn from this conflict? How could we minimize the chances of having a similar conflict again? How did we behave during the negotiation?"
   • Signs of a positive negotiation: flexibility and fluidity, new solutions, and competitive advantage
   • Only takes one person to prevent a conflict from escalating. Takes both people to come up with a win-win solution.  

6. Impeccable coordination

   • "Correlation between the impeccability of commitments and the effectiveness of individuals and groups."
   • To gain commitment, make your request like:
     • "In order to accomplish W (the satisfaction of a need), I ask you to do X (a specific action) by Y (a specific time). Can you commit to that?" Remember that a request is not a commitment - always ask for a response.
   • When someone is asking for you to commit, ask yourself,
     • "Do I understand what the other is asking of me?
     • Do I have the skills and resources to do it?
     • Am I convinced that those on whom I depend will deliver for me?
     • Am I willing to be held accountable for anticipating potential breakdowns?"
   • Possible responses to a request
     • “ Yes, I promise.”
     • “ No, I do not commit.” (Although I can try...)
     • “ I need clarification.”
     • “ I commit to respond by (a definite date).”
     • “I accept conditionally. I can commit to do what you ask if R (a mutually observable condition) happens. Would that work for you?”
     • “Let me make a counteroffer. I can’t commit to doing X by Y, but I could do S by T. Would that work for you?”
   • "Unproductive complaints look for sympathy and support from third parties and conclude with negative personal judgments ... they discharge emotions and seek revenge ... Productive complaint has four immediate goals: repair or minimize the damage to the task, mend and strengthen the relationship, restore impeccability, and learn from the mistake in order to design more effective ways of cooperating in the future."
   • How to complain productively
     • Express your intentions openly and specifically verify the commitment that was broken. Sometimes it's better to let someone off the hook one time than to wrongly accuse someone of breaking their word.
     • Both parties need to agree that the promise was broken.
     • Seek to understand why the promise wasn't kept.
     • Assess the impact and share your specific complaint.
     • Evaluate the damage and express the complaint and pain.
     • Share how the person can make it right and negotiate a recommitment. Make sure that whatever you ask for will close the issue for you.
     • Find ways to improve gaining commitment upfront.
   • Be proactive in keeping the person you've committed to informed especially if you think there is a risk that you'll break your commitment. When you break your promise, own it and make it right for the other person.
   • Praise your people when they demonstrate impeccable coordination and commitment. Praise respectfully, directly and specifically in the second person and focus on how the person's action affected you as opposed to labelling who that person is. 

7. Emotional mastery

   • When you're emotionally charged, it's hard to do what you know is right. 
   • Dr. Benson - "any form of mental concentration that distracts the individual from his or her usual concerns and anxieties can produce relaxation."
   • To manage your emotions:
     • Be aware and calm down to control strong negative emotions
     • Accept your emotions without judgment - you can't prevent an emotion but you can prevent impulsiveness
     • Regulate your impulses and recognize that your emotions come from your interpretation of some stimulus
       • "Happiness - we believe that something good has happened.
       • Sadness - we believe that something bad has happened.
       • Enthusiasm - we believe that something good may happen.
       • Fear - we believe that something bad may happen.
       • Gratitude - we believe that someone went out of his or her way to do something good for us.
       • Anger - we believe that someone has hurt us inappropriately.
       • Guilt - we believe we have done something inconsistent with our values (anger directed toward oneself)."
     • Share the story behind your emotion - "I feel A when B, because I think C. Does this make sense to you? (Listen in silence and acknowledge.) What I’d like is D, so I want to ask you E. Is that acceptable to you?"
       • A is an emotion (such as sorrow, fear, anger, or guilt)
       • B is a factual report or observation
       • C is an assessment or interpretation
       • D is a need or interest
       • E is a request
   • We distort our own beliefs when we confuse our emotions as supporting evidence for our opinions. Example: “I feel betrayed by my boss” or “I feel that this project is not worthwhile” confuse emotions and interpretations. Instead of “I feel rejected,” “I feel angry because I did not receive any response to my suggestions.”
   • "Forgiveness is not absolving bad behavior. Forgiveness doesn’t mean approving or condoning actions that fail to meet your standards. It doesn’t exclude demanding compensation or taking corrective action. You may even sever the relationship. You can forgive an employee who isn’t doing his job to your satisfaction and still fire him. Forgiveness allows you to do what you need to do without resentment. Forgiveness is not pretending that everything is all right when you feel it isn’t ... Forgiveness is the choice to let go of resentment."
   • When you see others being hijacked by their emotions, accept the emotions without judgment and become curious. Stay relaxed and centered and show empathy. Recognize that the person is speaking their truth, which is valid for them.

Influencing culture allows you to get the greatest gains towards sustainable change. Culture develops from the behaviors of the leaders and what is rewarded and punished. Ask yourself, “What culture do we need in order to execute our strategy and fulfill our mission?”

Ineffective behaviors:

• Unconditional blame - see yourself as an absolute victim of forces beyond your influence. When you blame, you give up your freedom and power.
• Essential selfishness - focus on satisfying your own ego at the expense of others. "The blindness of the selfish individual is that her attachment to success is the ultimate source of her suffering.... For the selfish individual, work is just another place in which to get as much as possible while giving back the least possible. Her contributions are to be minimized and her compensations are to be maximized."
• Ontological arrogance - the belief that your truth is the only truth. In a control environment, people are defensive, inconsistent, controlling, and manipulative. "In a duplicitous environment, people are damned if they try to obey the contradictory messages and damned if they try to expose the contradictions."
• Narcissistic negotiation - attempt to prove your worth by beating up your opponent because you see success as a zero-sum game.
• Negligent coordination - making promises you don't plan to or don't have the ability to keep, expecting others to read your mind and satisfy your unmet needs, being unclear of what you want and from whom, blaming others when you don't keep your promise
• Emotional incompetence - you either explode on the other person or repress your emotions

Final thoughts from the book:

"As a leader, you are not just responsible for doing it, but for holding others accountable for doing it as well. I see that you behave with integrity, but I do not see you holding people accountable when they behave without integrity. When they betray the company’s values and you don’t do anything, you become their accomplice. A leader who does not confront broken commitments encourages polite complacency. He fosters a culture of niceness where nothing gets done and everything is excused."

"It is impossible to suffer a loss when you love your opponent ... It is possible to compete with a loved one, but it is not possible to regret his success—even if it is at the expense of yours."

"We judge it (a business) as having no soul if all its energies are devoted merely to keeping itself alive and growing ... We attribute soul to those entities that use some portion of their energy not only for their own sake, but to make contact with other beings and care for them."

"We are responsible for our agape (a commitment to the other's well-being) because agape is an act of will."

Ask yourself, “If this were the last five minutes of your life, is this the way you would want to spend them?”

Exercise to help you keep the end in mind and what you hope to accomplish: "Imagine the eulogies of a parent, a friend, a spouse or intimate partner, and a child. Finally, imagine that you are asked to prepare your own eulogy appreciating yourself for the things you are most proud of. Write down at least a paragraph for each quality. Remember, this is no time to be shy or to feel constrained by the way you have lived your life so far. Imagine that after reading this book, your life took off, and from this moment until the end of it, it became everything you wanted."

Learning changes us - "although nothing in the external world will have changed, you will have changed, and thus, everything will have changed ... learning is a double-edged sword. It opens new possibilities while it closes off old ones. Transformation is irreversible... When you cross the gate of knowledge, reality is not what it used to be."

"Treat other people with extraordinary respect."