... know that you may actually benefit more than the person you are forgiving by doing so
Whether it's intentional or not, other people will do things that hurt us. This might be a work colleague who steals credit for our work or a personal friend who breaks our trust in an unforgivable way. In these moments, we feel completely justified to hold a grudge - we've been wronged and we deserve justice.
I was recently reading Oprah's The Wisdom of Sundays and she mentioned the following lesson she learned that really stuck with me:
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past can be any different. . . it is accepting that it has happened to you, not accepting that it was OK for it to happen."
The idea that our inability or reluctance to forgive is because we want the impossible (changing something that can't be changed) to happen is one that can only keep us stuck.
Although we have the reason and the right to withhold our forgiveness, there is a good chance that your grudge is bringing you down more than it is bringing the other person down. In many cases, the other person may not even be aware or care that you feel the way you feel. Even if they were, it doesn't impact them as negatively as it impacts you.
That's a long-winded way of saying, forgive others not because you're letting them off the hook but because you're letting yourself off the hook. Don't stay stuck because of what someone else did to you. Your present time is precious - don't waste it reliving the past.
Below is a Zen story that brings this point home:
A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.
The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.
Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his journey.
The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.
Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”
(Source: KindSpring)
What can you let go of right now to help you make the most of your present time?
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
-Gandhi
Photo by Felix Koutchinski
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