"Don't worry. Be happy."
Just four words with two simple suggestions.
Yet, it's easier said than done.
Why is that?
Think about it for a few seconds before reading on.
"Don't worry. Be happy."
Did you come up with anything?
If not, don't worry. It's not an easy question.
One of the main reasons we find it hard to apply this simple phrase is because we're not really sure how to do it. How do we stop worrying? What does it mean to be happy? Should I smile?
If it is so difficult to apply, why do we nod our head in understanding and agreement when people tell us not to worry? Instead, we should look at our well-intentioned friend (or stranger) in the eye and ask sincerely, "How do I stop worrying?".
Of course, that question will likely be met with confused and concerned faces. Before you alarm anyone, perhaps you can glean some helpful tips from this article. Before we go into those tips, let's analyze what worrying really is.
Scenario: You have to give a big presentation tomorrow and you are worried that you will make a mistake and embarrass yourself.
When you worry, you basically do three things:
- You mentally create a negative scenario of the future - you vividly imagine forgetting what you wanted to say and doing poorly on your presentation. You picture the audience on their phones or walking out of the room.
- You convince yourself that this situation is possible - you truly believe that the mental image you just created can really happen.
- You feel all the negative emotions as you anticipate the negative outcome - you feel anxiety and fear over what you believe you will experience in the future even though it hasn't happened.
Think of a situation that worries you and see if you go through the three steps outlined above. The reason worrying affects us so strongly is because:
Our mind cannot distinguish between something that we vividly imagined and our real experience.
Research has shown that our memories are merely reconstructions of our experience. When you imagine in detail a negative outcome, you feel the emotions associated with that outcome.
One effective way to deal with worrying is to ignore it altogether. Recognize it for what it is - a made-up belief that a negative scenario may happen and a replaying of that scenario in a way that evokes the negative emotions associated with it. Recognize that nothing has happened yet and there is no reason to respond and put yourself in a state of anxiety.
Having understood the components of worry, take it one step further, and harness the power of worry for good. Just change the formula by ...
Exchanging the negative future scenario for a positive future scenario.
So let's review what that means in terms of our scenario and the three steps:
- You mentally create a POSITIVE scenario of the future - you vividly imagine performing exceptionally well on the presentation and getting both recognition and appreciation from your boss and peers.
- You convince yourself that this situation is possible - you truly believe that the mental image you just created can really happen.
- You feel all the positive emotions as you anticipate the positive outcome - you feel confidence and faith over what you believe you will experience in the future even though it hasn't happened.
There is nothing wrong with considering possible risks in the future. Scenario planning allows us to be proactive and create contingencies that can save us from danger. What is less helpful is spending your time and energy worrying and feeling the negative emotions associated with a potential future that hasn't happened yet.
The next time you find yourself worrying:
- Recognize immediately that the negative outcome has not happened and it is not more likely to happen than a positive outcome.
- Think of the best possible future outcome.
- Mentally rehearse the future outcome vividly.
- Allow yourself to feel the positive emotions associated with truly believing the positive future outcome is possible.
Here is an example of using this method if you are single and worried about finding someone:
- Recognize that being alone for the rest of your life is just as likely to happen as finding someone.
- Imagine finding the perfect partner and vividly rehearse this future outcome as if it was going to happen. What do you see? What do you hear? How do you feel?
- Know that this positive future outcome is possible and allow yourself to feel the positive emotions that come from this realization.
- Bonus: To bring your positive outcome to life, channel the positive emotions from this exercise to do something productive towards achieving your outcome. I would start by setting a proper goal to find the perfect partner.
We just covered the "Don't worry" part. How about "Be happy"?
That's a little easier. Smiling is a great start. Following your passion will keep it going.
If you enjoyed this article, share it with others. Let me know in the comment section if you were able to successfully worry in a good way.
Photo by pedrosimoes7
Hi Robert,
Your words ooze empathy, I liked your approach, but I am an Individual who has been a suffering underdog for a while(2+ years), before this I was a great achiever and i am in a dilemma, and want to come out of this abyss called negativity.Thanks a ton for your insightful blog.
Hi Abhijit,
I’m glad you enjoy my blog. I have some questions that might be interesting for you:
How did you become an underdog? What makes you call your environment an “abyss”? Do you believe you have the power to climb out? If so, how come you are still in the abyss?
Some reckless decisions, ended up jobless for 2 years,Initially I thought that it was a well deserved break(1 year) and then when I went back job hunting no one considered me,… Skipping what went on for the next 1 year… I landed up in a job, but the rejection had taken a toll on my confidence and I performed badly(I am in sales and you can understand the pressure) and had to put down my papers! This was the beginning of the “Downward Spiral in to the never ending Abyss”. I have tried out all the options to save myself from this free fall none seems to work…
Your situation is very common. People naturally become discouraged when faced with repeated “failures” to achieve what they want. There are a few things to think about to help you in this situation:
1. The “failure” is just feedback that your actions need to be adjusted
2. You are not your behavior or your outcome. Your sense of self-worth and confidence did not change just because other people did not recognize it or you did not achieve your goal. Refer to point 1.
3. If you think you have fallen in a never ending abyss, then that is how you will feel. There is really no basis for you to think that way. The fact is that you are having trouble landing a job that you want and performing badly at a job you currently have. Thats it. You are not in any downward spiral. What you need to focus on is the solution. How are you going to perform better at your job. Did you talk with successful sales people (at your company and outside your company) and ask how they do it? Are you doing what they do? Also, what is the job you want? Why do you want it?
The questions can go on and on but the important thing is to ask the right ones where you are expending your energy on moving forward rather than looking backward.
Just start thinking positively right now and if you don’t know how, act confident physically and the feelings will follow. Let me know how it goes.
I like to use a less standard version of worry, helps me to keep my mind on the positive aspects of that word.
Hi Shawn, that’s interesting. Can you elaborate on what you mean by a less standard version? Do you use another word altogether?
Thanks, Robert, I was also a Ego maniac, resistant to change, I am now opening up to changing myself as you said, I am observing performers and making a note of the pros and cons in their attitude.Its helping.. Will keep posting on the developments,Thanks a lot for being there:)
Regards
Abhijit
Good luck Abhijit! Keep up the positive attitude and I know you’ll be able to make it. Modeling success is the way to go and the key point in modeling is to act on it. Just knowing what to do is not enough.
Sure Will Keep trying for the best, Robert. I have forgetfulness or absent mindedness, which hinders my productivity, I have tried reminders, planners, but not able to get the best out of me, I have to reach 10 new clients through cold calling and my forgetful nature always affects me while reaching out, and I easily lose focus…I have read your article on meditation and have tried it but not able to practice it regularly, and even when I do meditate, there a small bursts of -ve thoughts from past or what may happen in future which breaks my concentration.. Do you think I am really troubled and need some medication instead of meditation? Cheers
Hi Abhijit,
Have you modeled people who were great at remember things? How do they process information? Perhaps you are focusing on something different which makes it more difficult to retain or recall information? I would start with really being curious about how people who never forget do what they do. I have a feeling it is a combination of focus, instilling meaning and good old fashion listening and curiosity. I’ve never tried medication so I can’t give an opinion on that. Meditation has helped me to focus and be more self aware especially when my mind wants to wanders.
I am not organised and let my mind divert easily, that may be because of a long tenure on not doing anything, I havent modeled on any people as of now and will consider your suggestion. Personally I am “against” medication and will stick to meditation.
I thought of one more thing that you can try immediately on your own. You can act as if you already possess the quality that you want. What would your world be like if you could remember the things you wanted to remember? What feelings would you have? How would the movie play out differently than it has been playing?
Hi Robert, Thanks been busy for the last week, I appreciate your words of wisdom and will implement some of them for better improvement.
No problem. Let me know how it goes.