Regret: it's something we all experience at one point or another. Maybe you wish you had taken a different job, or said something differently in an important conversation. Perhaps you regret not traveling more when you had the chance, or not pursuing a different career path. Whatever the source of your regret, it can feel overwhelming and difficult to move past. But fear not! There are practical ways to deal with regret and move forward.
First and foremost, it's important to understand that regret is a natural part of the human experience. Research has shown that we tend to regret the things we didn't do more than the things we did do. This makes sense when you consider that, as humans, we are wired to seek out new experiences and take risks. When we don't take those risks, we can feel like we've missed out on something important.
If you're struggling with regret over something you did, the first step is to try to undo it or make amends. Apologizing and taking steps to repair the situation can be a powerful way to start the process of moving past your regret. If that's not possible, try reframing the situation. Instead of saying, "If only I didn't do..." use "At least..." and focus on how the situation didn't turn out worse or an unexpected positive outcome.
For example, let's say you regret picking a major in Chemistry in college. Instead of dwelling on the "if only" statements, try reframing them with an "at least" statement. "At least it's differentiated me from my peers in the training and coaching industry" or "At least I didn't go to grad school for chemistry."
A common source of regret is things left unsaid. We may wish we had spoken up in a certain situation, or that we had expressed our feelings more clearly to someone. In these cases, it's often possible to undo the regret by taking action. If we feel like we missed an opportunity to say something important, we can try to reach out to the person and express ourselves now.
Another powerful tool for dealing with regret is self-disclosure. Talking to someone you trust about your regret can be a great way to acknowledge and process your feelings. Alternatively, you can write about your regret in a private journal. This can help you gain perspective and move past the regret.
Self-compassion is another important tool for dealing with regret. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who was going through a difficult time. What would you say to them? Use those same words to comfort and support yourself. This can help normalize and neutralize your feelings of regret, making them feel less overwhelming.
Finally, it's important to learn from your regrets. What did you learn from the situation? What can you take away from it that will help you in the future? Regret can be a powerful teacher if you allow it to be. Reflect on your experience and use what you've learned to make better decisions in the future. When it comes to future decisions, we can try to anticipate regret by considering what our values and goals are. Research suggests that there are four core regrets that people tend to have: not building a solid foundation for the future, not taking sensible risks, not doing the right thing, and not connecting with others. By keeping these regrets in mind, we can try to make decisions that align with our values and minimize the likelihood of future regret.
Of course, the best way to deal with regret is to avoid it in the first place. This is easier said than done, of course, but there are some strategies you can use to help minimize the likelihood of regretting your decisions. Daniel Pink, in his book "The Power of Regret," suggests that we "satsifice" on most decisions, especially if we're not dealing with one of the four core regrets. Essentially, this means we should aim for good enough instead of perfect for decisions that won't have a huge impact on our lives.
On the other hand, for crucial decisions that fall under the four core regrets, we should maximize our efforts. Project yourself into the future and ask yourself what will help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others. This can help you make decisions that align with your values and decrease the chances of regret in the future.
Regret shows us what we care about and helps us grow. So don't beat yourself up too much about it. Acknowledge the regret, practice self-compassion, and use it as a learning experience for the future.
Photo by Kenny Eliason
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