Why it’s so hard to be patient when teaching our kids (or those close to us)

With schools closed in my area because of the COVID-19 pandemic, my wife and I suddenly find ourselves becoming ad-hoc teachers to our kids. Despite training and coaching others for a living and rarely losing my patience, I found it interesting that I quickly lose patience with my kids.

I wish I could say that this is stress-induced impatience but even before the current public health emergency, I've found it hard to teach my loved ones anything. Now that I need to teach my kids every day, I've been thinking about how best to accomplish that and keep my sanity.

In a recent Knowledge Project interview with Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise Successful People, she talks about parents being too close to their kids to be objective. Since we want our kids to succeed in everything that they do, we may project our own insecurities when they struggle not realizing that struggling is part of the learning process. What I find easy to forget is that it's normal for my 5-year-old to lose focus and be easily distracted. I end up becoming frustrated because I expect him to have the attention span of an adult.

When I reflect on all the times I've nagged, threatened to punish, or punished my kids when they weren't "getting" it, it never actually helped them to "get" it. If anything, it made learning a negative experience for them which is the opposite of what I want. Since finding someone else to teach my kids is not an option right now, I've found these two tips helpful to maintain my patience:

1. I reflect on times when I've had to learn something new and how bad I felt when the person working with me was impatient. (It may me feel dumb and caused me to doubt myself)
2. I imagine how I would act if this was one of my friend's kids and act accordingly despite how I might be feeling.

If I find more tips that work, I'll add them to this list. In the meantime, I recommend listening to the interview. Esther's TRICK model is a good one if you're looking to raise independent, self-responsible people. For those who don't have time to listen to the interview, TRICK stands for:

• Trust your kids to make choices and take risks
• Respect their autonomy and individuality (they are not you so don't mold them into being you)
• Independence - give them room to operate and cope with adversity, setbacks, and boredom
• Collaboration - include them in the decision-making process for the family
• Kindness - it's easy to take kindness for granted with our closest relationships

Come to think of it, this acronym is a good one to keep in mind when working with anyone.

Here's a not-so-hidden easter egg for parents:

If you've ever felt that one person in your relationship shoulders the mental load for remembering all the little things needed to run your household smoothly, this thoughtful comic breaks it down beautifully. Might be an eye-opener if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

Photo by Stephen Isaiah